Life Sucks
by Noodles4life
Summary: Honestly! How was it that all the crazy shiznitz happened to him? Having to live with both an insane back-from-the-dead father and the creepy Emo-king ex-teammate  who has a staring problem is bad en-What the hell is Sakura doing! Sasunaru
1. Chapter 1

A/N: On to version number two! Let's hope this is at least better than the first… I tried to spruce it up a bit and also added some more information to keep it somewhat interesting but we'll see.

Title: Life Sucks

Main Pairing: SasuNaru

WARNINGS: This story contains some violence, Sarcastic!Cynicalish!Naruto, swearing, and maybe Lemons in the far future.

Disclaimer: Seriously? Do you honestly think it would be possible for _me_ to own this?

"Blah" –Regular speech

'_Blah' _– Thinking

"**Blah"**- Demon speech

Blah- Narrative

* * *

His day went from bad to worse. It was awful enough he had to play idiot for the first half of his life because of drooling morons who were too busy shoving their heads so far up their asses to see that they were tormenting a child for no reason other than breathing. Sure it got to a point where their crap didn't even faze him anymore. Even when they went out into the world to spread word of their wise, kind, tree hugging nature, claiming that their Will of Fire burned like that of a thousand sons.

No, what really pissed him off was the fact that his supposedly dead "Hero" of a father decided to come back from the grave because obviously he was so stupid that he couldn't even stay dead the right way. It scared the shit out of him to wake up to the older man trying to shove breakfast down his throat, all while beaming with a disturbing amount of enthusiasm.

Of course, being the rational and intelligent being that he was, he decided to do what any self-respecting shinobi would do when faced with an intruder. He hurled a bunch of sharp pointy shit at 'em then tried to _Rasengan_ the bastard to death.

Key word, _**tried**_. It was kind of hard to attack the person who made the only super awesome A-rank technique he frequently used. So he wasn't too surprised when he found himself flying through his thankfully open window due to a swift kick to his torso.

Luckily, he landed on the roof of a home across the street, which wasn't too far of a distance. Unfortunately, his blood relation's brain seemed to catch up on what happened and lunged at him while making a sound that Naruto vaguely remembered hearing from Tora the cat when the wife of the Fire Daimyō gave it the hug of death.

Ironically, Minato did exactly that then started crooning apologetically, not that he heard because he couldn't breath and he had started seeing black spots in his vision that most definitely wasn't a good sign.

Kakashi, who was the first to show up at his apartment due to a complaint about the noise level from one of his stuck up neighbors, thankfully rescued him then tried to placate him by saying that Minato nearly hugged him to death out of….._love_. He shuddered. Love was for whiny ass people who were too brainless to know how to hold a spoon by themselves. That and Naruto was pretty sure as hell that hugging someone till they practically passed out wasn't love.

Then, there was the other problem.

Sasuke.

Apparently duck-ass-for-hair-emo-king came to the conclusion that the Jolly Farm of Sound wasn't what he thought it would be. The moron got his angst filled arse the hell out of there when his wannabe pimp the Pedo-snake tried to sneak into his bed for the thirtieth time. Only that time Snake man brought out the big guns which included a variety of…toys…and a tranquilizer.

This all of course was the reason why he was sitting in the Hokage's office, shifting uncomfortably because of the intense stares from both emo-king who was to his right and his fresh out of the grave father on his left while blocking out the droning voice of Konohagakure's beloved fifth Hokage who seemed to have suddenly stopped talking.

"-ing, so do you understand why you're here now Naruto?" Said the not-so-old-looking-but-still-old hag. His answer was a blank stare.

She twitched violently then sighed and rubbed her temples, shooting a mournful look at her empty sake cup. Narrowing her eyes, she turned toward the entrance.

"SHIZUNE! Where the hell is my damn Sake!"

"Coming Tsunade-sama!" Came the frazzled yet muffled reply through the door. Tsunade then turned her evil she-beast gaze at him.

"They're both staying with you, you little shit!" She snapped, hand trembling as if wanting to crush something. Which also wasn't too surprising for Naruto due to her violent drunk induced episodes, which happened more often then anyone should be comfortable with.

A low warning growl from his father had Tsunade looking at him calculatedly. Minato scowled at her then, for the seventh time, grabbed his hand and started stroking it lovingly. Naruto quickly snatched his hand back and snarled. The older man just cooed and shot him an adoring smile.

His lips curled in disdain.

If he hasn't said it yet, then he was going to say it now.

His father was insane.

To that degree that could rip a wormhole through time and space due to the absurdity of it.

Sane people do not shove food down their long lost child's throat to the point of choking when said child is sleeping, nor do they kick the child out a window, or hug the child near the point of brain damage due to a lack of oxygen.

So, Naruto being the kind and gentle young man he was, decided to speak words of encouragement to his beloved 'papa' just to let him know how much he appreciated him.

"I would call you an idiot but that would be an insult to the stupid people of the world."

"Naruto!" Tsunade hissed, but alas her reprimand was not needed, his father only smiled at him tenderly.

"He's insane." He deadpanned.

Naruto then admired the tic that he caused the older woman to have on her upper left forehead. It was quite the marvelous sight. He briefly wondered if he could get away with a photo. Tsunade was now breathing in deeply and he smirked at how her fingers would spasm at three-second intervals. Oh, the joy of being a nuisance to society!

"Brat," She growled, interrupting his inner musings," why don't you try spending seventeen years in the stomach of the Shinigami? Then we'll see how sane you'll turn out." She looked at the older blonde man with a pitying expression. Of course the man didn't notice for he was still gazing at Naruto with a look of longing.

"It only makes sense that Minato would turn out the way he is."

Naruto only sighed then glanced at the emo bird that was still staring at him with an unnerving concentration.

"What about him?" He asked uncaringly while pointing at Sasuke. "Shouldn't he be confined or something?"

Tsunade grimaced and shifted in her seat.

"As much as I hate to say this, he's only here because the fuckhead wants your man babies and promised to only stay calm in your presence…the fucker killed everyone else…" She grumbled. Naruto twitched.

Minato then grabbed Naruto's hand again but this time he gave Sasuke a suspicious glare. Sasuke, who finally stopped his Naru gazing, gave Minato a vicious glower in return. Minato tightened his grip on Naruto's hand and sneered at the dark haired man. Tsunade was amused, Sasuke was jealous, Minato was possessive, Shizune was having trouble finding the damn stash of sake she had purposely hidden from Tsunade, and Naruto was really, really pissed.

"Well get the hell out of my office you rude little brat!" Tsunade snapped, looking all to pleased with herself. Naruto swore he would change that smug look on her face. He gave her a sour look before stomping out of the office, the other two men trailing behind.

* * *

"Have you completed your mission?" Came a rough steely voice. The man was shrouded in the shadows of the cave the two were in. The other male in the room looked to the figure silently, eyes hollow.

"Yes master."

* * *

Naruto was sure that somewhere out in the farthest reaches of the universe, some deity or higher power was laughing their ass off at his misfortune.

He felt utterly humiliated while walking down the main street of Konoha because of the older blonde male attached to his arm. He was like a child with their first present on Christmas.

The upside to his embarrassment though, was the unflattering looks of utter shock on the faces of the villagers. It almost made him feel okay about his situation…almost.

Then there was also the fact that Duck-ass-for-hair was acting like a bloody guard dog and was snarling in his evil Uchiha way at anyone that came within five feet of him. Of course he went back to his obsessive staring once he was done giving the evil eye to whomever was unfortunate enough to stray to close to him.

It was too bad the boy couldn't get the leech of a father off his now numb arm. It would be amusing to see the two men going at each other like rabid animals.

Naruto chuckled at the mental image of Sasuke lunging at Minato while frothing at the mouth and Minato launching himself at the other with a primal growl. His amusing thought process was abruptly cut off when he felt hands tightening around his arm. He glanced questionably at the older man beside him, fleetingly eyeing the hands around his persons with a bit of irritation.

He swore that if that attitude continued, he would personally do... something... to the older man. The blonde wasn't quite sure on what it was yet but it would be traumatizing... and _painful._

Minato smiled at him warmly and caressed his whiskered cheek. Naruto jerked away from the man and quickly decked him in the stomach, watching with malicious amusement as he kneeled over gasping. That wasn't quite what he was thinking, but it would do for now. The bastard deserved it for kicking him earlier.

He ignored the wounded look on the ex-Hokage's face and sauntered off in dark satisfaction.

Naruto grinned and relished the shouts of outrage from the villagers nearby. They wouldn't dare go near him. After all, who would attack him while the emotionally impaired Uchiha practically set anyone too close to him on fire with his Death Glare of Doom**™.**

He would deal with this, he decided, paying no heed to the older blonde that hastily caught up with him and the Uchiha.

He survived this far while the world tried to push him down. There was no way the two following him could make his life worse…right?

* * *

Elsewhere in some hidden location, a lone figure was crouched in front of an Alter.

"Soon my Naruto-kun." The worshipful voice murmured, trailing their finger along the picture of the blonde that had been placed on the Alter. The person grinned widely, placing a kiss on the face in the photo.

The lights from the candles nearby flickered ominously in the small room.

"_Soon_…"

* * *

"So what you're telling me that Hokage-sama is letting a traitor and a questionably sane ex-Hokage live with Naruto?" Came a dangerous whisper, the brown haired man who spoke growled, clutching the edge of the table in front of him tightly.

The wood creaked ominously.

Some civilian patrons of Amaguriama glanced at the man fearfully.

The silver haired Jounin across from him rubbed the back of his head nervously, smiling his one eyed smile apprehensively.

"Kakashi?" The scarred man questioned softly.

"Yes Iruka?" The masked Ninja replied cautiously, eyeing the Chuunin as if he were a dangerous creature. Iruka breathed out slowly then picked up his forgotten dango and viciously took a bite out of it.

Kakashi winced at the display of anger and couldn't help but vaguely wonder if he should have told his boyfriend the news at his home instead of a crowded restaurant.

The Chuunin put the dango down on the plate then abruptly stood, his face set with grim determination.

"We're going to visit Naruto," Iruka said smiling, eyes glinting dangerously," after all, it's been awhile right?"

"We?" Kakashi questioned, not liking where this was going.

"Yes!" Iruka snapped, turning on his heels, quickly leaving the eating establishment. Kakashi soon followed his lover with a sigh, rolling his eye at Iruka who was stomping ahead of him while questioning the judgment of the Hokage under his breath. He should have just let the man find out on his own.

Kakashi pulled out his Icha Icha Paradise and shrugged. What was done was done.

* * *

"Alright, so I'll be back in about an hour," Naruto said, shifting through his Gama-Chan, " I trust you won't destroy my home?"

He stopped what he was doing and stared at the two men who were sitting on his old lumpy couch. He needed to buy food in order no cook for the freeloading asswipes who took no time making themselves comfortable. Naruto glared at the fucktards in front of him.

"I only need to buy a few groceries so don't ruin my damn apartment, got it?"

Minato nodded enthusiastically while Sasuke continued his….staring. It was actually really starting to creep him out.

Naruto eyed them suspiciously, huffed, grabbed Gama-Chan, and walked out the door. He didn't trust them as far as he could throw them but he _would_ castrate the two if anything was so much as scratched.

'_Yep,'_ he thought to himself, _'if anything were to happen, they would rue the day they were __born__.'_

* * *

The market place was packed as usual and he distantly wondered about his friends as he went from stall to stall, getting what he needed. He was in no way looking forward to introducing Sai. His penis comments might give Minato an aneurism. Team Gai was safe…somewhat. _'Actually,'_ he thought amused, _'everyone but Sai is safe.' _He chuckled.

Naruto then started walking home, carrying his grocery bags. He smiled in bliss at the thought of eating those yummy noodles that were nestled in the bags he was holding. Oh how he loved Ramen. His beautiful and perfect Ramen. It was food of the gods dammit! He didn't care if anyone said otherwise!

The blonde swiftly snapped himself out of his daze when he realized that a lot of people were running away from the direction he was heading. He felt a sinking sensation in his stomach.

He bit his bottom lip and silently prayed it was nothing horrible.

Naruto quickened his pace dodging random citizens then finally turned at a corner that would bring his home into view.

He froze and felt the bags he was holding slip to the ground.

His entire apartment building was on fire.

* * *

AN: There you have it! I spruced it up a bit. Please Read and Review! I would love the feedback!

**Sneak Peak:**

_-__there that little shit was, innocently staring like all was right in the world._

"_I can't believe it…" Naruto muttered, gaping at the fox sitting just a few feet away. He was absolutely stunned. He knew he looked like an idiot staring at the fox with his mouth wide open, but he couldn't help it._

"_SCS." He grumbled, his shock slowly fading away into anger. Sasuke raised an eyebrow questionably._

"_It's his name," Naruto explained while glaring loathingly at the fluff ball of evil," it stands for Stupid Cock Sucker."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Life Sucks**

**Chapter 2**

**A/N:** Well I guess I finally got around to getting the next chapter up… Whoo! Yay me! Alright so just to make things clear, this story is obviously an AU so while the Akatsuki has a part of the story, they may not have a major role in it even though I adore crackish!Akatsuki stories. Sasuke stayed with Orochimaru for a longer period of time and killed him (though Naruto doesn't know that yet) and Madara does have a role in the story. That is all for now. Here I thought I wouldn't be one of those bitch authors with long ass author's notes….Damn.

**Disclaimer:** Well I'm not outrageously rich….or insanely creative…..so I guess I don't own Naruto….sonova-

**Warnings:** This story contains some violence, swearing, cynical if not homicidal!Naruto, pervy!creeper!Sasuke, possessive!Minato, fox abuse, pervy!SCS, my failed attempts at humor, my experimenting with character perspective, bad grammar (no beta), and maybe Lemons in the far, far future.

* * *

"You bitch! I know you did it!"

Tsunade ground her teeth together; pure death in her eyes and Shizune shuddered from her spot in the corner.

Naruto, however, paid her no mind and continued belting out his accusations.

"You thought is was so damn funny that you had to conspire with these two cum sucking pieces of rat shit so that you could laugh at my misery!"

…Never mind the fact that Tsunade wouldn't have had anything to do with his apartment burning down because she probably had more important things to do (gamble, drink, and bitch slap whiny politicians with inhuman strength) so he just continued on.

"_Oh! I know what we should do!"_ He said in a high mocking tone, "_Lets burn down stupid Naruto's apartment because he will probably cry like a pathetic sniveling little asshole and it would be mega-hilarious!"_

"Uzumaki…" she trailed off warningly.

"_I don't care that it would make me an old monstrous bit-"_ He never got to finish because with a cry of fury Tsunade appeared right in front of him and punched him with enough force to make him go through the wall which caused an enormous crash and dust to quickly gather in the room.

All was silent until Minato scrambled up from his chair and dove through the hole in the wall with a frantic shriek. Sasuke blinked at the hole before 'Hnning' and impassively looking at Tsunade's twitching form.

Meanwhile, Tsunade couldn't help but wonder where Naruto got his foul mouthed, sarcastic attitude (because it sure as hell wasn't from her…it wasn't!...you fucker! Stop raising your eyebrow!) she breathed in deeply, coughing a little at the dust, then calmly sat herself back in her comfy swivel chair.

* * *

"So before the brat had his bitch fit," Tsunade started calmly, ignoring the fierce glare from the bandaged Naruto sitting in his father's lap, "-we need to discuss whether or not there was anything or anyone suspicious near the apartment complex because after a discussion with the apartment owner and the building and safety division, there was nothing wrong with the apartment itself."

Naruto snorted derisively, "How do you know they were telling the truth? They hate me."

Minato tightened his grip on his son and his faced darkened considerably. Tsunade on the other hand squashed any feeling of remorse and gave Naruto a shark like smile.

"I…personally…interviewed them and made sure they understood the consequences of _lying_ to me."

Naruto gave her an uneasy look before continuing slowly, "I don't personally remember anyone suspicious looking hanging around, then again I don't usually pay attention to the people who live near me since I get a lot of suspicious figures in my neighborhood because of how close it is to the Red Light district…"

Tsunade sighed as if she was expecting that response and thoughtfully took a sip of her sake.

"I suppose I will have the matter investigated," she said, though in a tone that didn't expect much information on the matter," in the meantime, I guess you three can stay in one of the safe houses used for members of the past Hokage's families. It would be undoubtedly safer."

Sasuke and Minato didn't seem to mind or care while the younger blonde grumpily agreed due to not having any other place to go to.

* * *

The house wasn't actually that bad when you saw it from an outside point of view. It was deeply hidden in the forested area by the Western gate and had sunlight that filtered through the thick leaves of the canopy that gave it an almost warm homey glow. It was definitely something he wasn't used to and ignited a strange warmth in his chest that had him subconsciously rubbing it.

Of course, those thoughts quickly came to a screeching halt when he immediately found himself glued to Minato's side, which had him huffing in irritation. Sasuke was still being a creeper (he was starting to think it was his default attitude…he knew someone couldn't escape intact from a freak like Orochimaru) by gazing at him with the intensity of a cat in heat. Naruto shuddered at the thought and grimaced when Minato's hold tightened and was pressed closer to the older man.

He found that his anger was at a constant simmer when around the two dimwitted sorry excuses for humans which he was sure was not good for his stress levels.

At all.

He had to suck it up of course. It wasn't as if they were figures of his imagination (he already accidently knocked himself out with one of Sai's paintings trying to prove _that)_ so he grudgingly went back to studying the home that would be theirs. It was an okay looking two story home, he mused to himself, though nothing compared to his beloved apartment (he ignored the fact that it had frequent bouts of no electricity, constant cold water, and had a rat infestation).

"Well," he said, struggling weakly against the older blonde's tight grip, "don't you two think you both should actually go _inside_ instead of gawking at it like idiots?" They both turned to him, Minato with a bright smile and Sasuke with a blank expressionless look. The dark haired asshole sedately walked in while the ex-Hokage skipped to the flower bed near the entrance (_still_ pulling him along like a ragdoll…the bitch…) then proceeded to pluck out the most grotesque and nauseating bright fluorescent **pink** Cerise in the flower bed and tucked it behind his ear (after manhandling his damn head).

This was going to suck.

* * *

Random pedestrians quickly dove out of the way and ran screaming in absolute terror as a hysterical Iruka tore a path of destruction through the debris of Naruto's burnt down apartment building. The brunette frantically searched through the blackened wood beams and plaster for the young Kyuubi vessel with the single mindedness of a dying man.

"Where is he?" He wailed in desperation, nearly pulling out his hair. He swiftly dove back into the debris and threw the giant beams over his shoulder with inhuman strength that had citizens frantically evading them from behind. Kakashi sighed from the side of the wreckage and only looked on with boredom. He knew for a fact that Naruto was no way idiotic enough to get caught in a burning building.

Just getting a little injured in a civilian fire for a shinobi would mean being the brunt of all the jokes in all the gossip circles in Konoha. Everyone would somehow find out and the person who got injured would be blacklisted from all the better missions.

A shinobi was prepared to bleed and die for their nation and to get hurt by a fire caused by something so little like a half plugged socket would be the ultimate humiliation for years to come. They would be the laughingstock of all the shinobi nations. It was completely possible after all it did happen to a poor soul from Iwagakure who eventually retired due to not being able to find jobs.

Yeah, it would be that bad.

"NARUTO!"

Of course trying to explain this to a frenzied Iruka was like trying to tell a wall that it should change into a nice household dog. It would be close to impossible to rationalize to Iruka while in that state so Kakashi simply let the man continue on his warpath.

"MOMMY'S HERE! NARUTO PLEASE COME OUT!"

Kakashi would ask Lady Tsunade about the whereabouts of his willful student when his lover calmed down.

"NAAAARRRUUUUTOOOOOOOOO!"

Which probably wouldn't be anytime soon.

* * *

Shino often pondered on the meaning of life in his alone time, which sadly was quite frequent. It simply baffled him when people he grew up with, bled with, ate with, and quite frankly bathed with forgot about him. He couldn't fathom it. His own team was prone to forgetfulness when he attempted to inject his opinion. They would sometimes blankly stare at him for minutes at a time until the familiar spark of recognition ignited in their eyes and they were back to discussing what was previously said as if nothing happened.

The brunette sulkily dragged his feet as he made his way through an empty pathway in the forest.

It infuriated him to be honest. Was there some sort of disease that caused most of his precious people to completely erase his existence from their minds? The worst person though, he mused, was Naruto.

At least the other Konoha 12 recognized him for weeks at a time. With Uzumaki it was as if seconds into the conversation a little invisible foul mouthed squirrel whispered all sorts of accusations and unspeakable things into the blonde's mind that caused him to go off on Shino with a rage only women seemed to have when catching a peeper. In fact, Uzumaki went off on him the other day…

_(Memory)_

"-so that's why Magicicada tredecula have a 17 year form and a 13 year form." Shino finished off with silent glee. It wasn't often people asked questions about his insects (People got panicky when he attempted to enlighten them about his wonderful friends by visual means for some odd reason) taken, the young Kyuubi vessel didn't necessarily ask a specific question about his insects ("What the hell is that creepy-ass bug?") but being the ever informative friend he was, Shino decided to share with the blonde.

Naruto, in his suspiciously plain clothing, glanced around the suddenly empty food court with panicky eyes. He fearfully looked at Shino and noticeably gulped.

"Look man! I don't want any trouble Ok?" the blue-eyed boy said quickly. "I was just walking along minding my own business when I accidently bumped into you! Just-"he started nervously before clearing his throat, "-just please don't rape me Mr. Pedophile!" He finally cried out.

Shino was aghast. He incredulously looked at Naruto yet the blonde didn't seem to notice the look as he rambled on pleadingly for his virtue.

"-and I swear that one time at the bath house didn't count 'cause Jiraiya was the-"

"Naru-" Shino tried to interrupt.

"-orphanage lady said I was a bad boy but I didn't do any thing! She was out to get me ju-"

"Na-" He tried again, this time with irritation leaking into his normal monotone.

"-ruka calls himself my mommy so if you try to do naughty things to me he's going to castrate you with a rusty spoon just like he told those old guys who tried to get me to play strip poker with them on my seventh birthd-"

"NARUTO!" He finally shouted, panting heavily. Naruto froze.

Both stared at each other for a few minutes in eerie silence.

"I am Shino…"

"…"

"…"

Naruto stared at him uncomprehendingly for a few more seconds before his face comically morphed into one of recognition. He suddenly laughed obnoxiously and gave Shino a wide grin.

"You're bug boy!"

Shino sighed in dejection not thinking the blonde would ever truly remember him since they had the same exact conversation every time they talked. It didn't even matter that he recently spoke to him yesterday.

With a forceful pat to Shino's back Naruto laughed again before giving him a look that Shino instantly recognized.

"You should really think about not wearing that creepy ass trench coat 'cause I swear I thought you were one of those child kidnappers that sold cutesy looking brats to underground slave rings in the Land of Lightning."

Naruto then proceeded to cheerily inform Shino about the different takes of 'Stranger Danger' in most countries while one thought echoed in the young Aburame's mind.

'_I hate my life.'_

_(End Memory)_

Was Uzumaki so absentminded that he truly forgot him so often? Shino visibly drooped and kicked a stone, aggressiveness seeping into the innocent action.

It wasn't moments after that it suddenly dawned on him. '_Maybe it's me? That it is us as Aburame's?'_ he thought with mounting dismay, '_We do not actively seek out people to socialize with as often as the average human does thus our social skills are at such a deplorable level that the masses instinctively shy away do to the unnaturalness we most likely exude and they sense.'_

He froze and wondered if he just solved all his clan's social problems. Slowly, so very slowly, a grin crept onto his face that would no doubt cause massive trauma to children everywhere should they ever happen to glance upon it.

'_I must tell my clansmen!'_ he thought, and with that, Shino swiftly took off to rouse his family into a social revolution that would be the talk of Konoha for years to come.

* * *

Sakura was brave.

She had grown into a fierce, powerful, and beautiful young woman after all these years and no longer was the naive idiot fan girl of her youth. She was a well-respected kunoichi in Konoha due to her medical prowess and her calm and friendly demeanor. In fact she was well known throughout the shinobi nations and had even surpassed Lady Tsunade after years under her tutelage.

She had many civilians and shinobi alike look up to her as a role model. She had many supportive friends and a family that loved her dearly no matter what her choices were.

It was with those thoughts that she anxiously steeled herself as she approached the shady looking figure near the back of the smoky and quiet bar she walked into. The person, who looked to be male from her quick calculative gaze, turned toward her and indeed the plain looking male eyed her speculatively as he calmly took a drag out of the cigarette in his hand.

"You here for the boss eh?" He drawled out lazily.

She took in a quick breath and gave him a fierce glare.

"Yes."

She hoped everyone would understand.

* * *

He was very warm. While that wasn't all too unusual, he was used to waking up to a chilling draft and a face full of sunshine that inspired in him thoughts of homicide. This warmth though, was very pleasant and soothed the craziness that was all last week and made him want draw closer in and its lulling rising and falling movements.

He squirmed slightly when what felt like a solid gentle warmth trail along the curve of his back. It was at that point that sleepiness ebbed away and he started to remember that he did not, in fact, sleep with _anything_ that exuded warmth, _moved_, and most certainly did not _**touch**_. He stilled and the fingers (because they _were_ fingers) stilled as well. He frowned and immediately his mind automatically went to Minato, his grabby hands, and his mission to sneak into his bed in the middle of the night to _cuddle. _

He really, _really_, didn't want to open his eyes but he knew that unless he could spontaneously bend the very fabric of time and rip open interdimensional wormholes, he had to face reality and put his big boy panties on.

With reluctance he slowly opened his eyes, ready to deck his loving '_father' _in his insufferable face when two black bottomless pools met his own cerulean gaze and shock caused him to momentarily freeze (he was in no way lost in the intense gaze…nope! No way!).

It wasn't until he felt fingers dip under the hem of his pajama pants that he finally gained back his motor functions that he shrieked with wide eyes and scrambled back far enough to cause him to fall off the bed and back onto the wooden floor with a loud thud.

"SONOVA-"

A slamming door interrupted him and a frantic Minato stood at the doorway taking in the scene until his gaze finally landed on a nonchalant Sasuke.

His face then morphed into something that Naruto only remembered seeing when Iruka walked in when his old landlord tried to get him to play-wrestle with him on his eighth birthday.

He got a new landlord the next day.

So Naruto, having come to the conclusion that should whatever was happening continue, there would most likely be major property damage and they all would likely have to move…_again._

He quickly thought about something to say that would defuse the situation (the tension in the room was becoming palpable and Sasuke was starting to look weary) before inspiration struck.

"DADDY I WANT TO GO ON A PICNIC!" He blurted out loudly.

Both men in the room stared at him, Sasuke in disbelief and Minato uncomprehendingly. That is until the blonde's mind processed what was said then he immediately squealed and tackled him and looked to be in nauseating rapture.

He didn't feel so alone when Sasuke even looked disgusted at the older man's display, even though he was going to castrate him and feed him to Iruka for molesting him.

Naruto felt a headache coming on when he was whisked downstairs and into the kitchen by the ex-Hokage where the man then attempted to unsuccessfully make sandwiches.

It was going to be one of _those_ days.

* * *

Thirty minutes into the picnic that they unoriginally decided to do in their backyard and Naruto was ready to strangle someone. A certain someone named Minato. The man wouldn't stop trying to feed him blackened sandwiches that would surely painfully kill any poor soul who would be desperate to consume it.

Sasuke was there as well, (uninvited though he was Naruto thought viciously) even though it looked like it pained him to do so. It was probably the sunny, happy looking sky and the pleasantly green grass that caused his inner emo to shrivel up in agony.

That was beside the point.

Minato was trying to kill him through food poisoning and that was unacceptable!

An obvious rustling sound from a bush to the left of them paused Naruto's inner monologue and the whole group stared at the still rustling bush.

With a baited breath they watched when suddenly a small form tumbled out of the bush.

'_A fox,'_ Naruto thought with growing horror, _'-a very, __**very**__ familiar looking fox.'_

The _**thing**_ blinked.

Then there that little shit was, innocently staring like all was right in the world.

"I can't believe it…" Naruto muttered, gaping at the fox sitting just a few feet away. He was absolutely stunned. He knew he looked like an idiot staring at the fox with his mouth wide open, but he couldn't help it.

"SCS." He grumbled, his shock slowly fading away into anger. Sasuke raised an eyebrow questionably.

"It's his name," Naruto explained while glaring loathingly at the fluff ball of evil," it stands for Stupid Cock Sucker."

Both men again stared at Naruto, then the innocent looking fox, then back to the blonde.

Naruto manically started to cackle with a hint of hysteria tinged in.

He gave the fox a bloodthirsty grin before going into more detail.

"It all started nine months ago…"

_(Several months earlier)_

"N-n-n-n-na-nar-naruto-k-kun?" Hinata stuttered with an extremely red face. The blonde in question gave her a questioning look. She had after all interrupted his training so whatever she was going to say was probably important.

"I-I just w-w-want-wanted to say that I l-lo-lo-"

"WHAT THE FUCK!" He shouted which caused her to faint. He paid her no mind because it seemed that out of nowhere, a little bastard fox managed to sneak behind him and proceeded to shamelessly **hump** his _fucking __**leg.**_

The little devil seemed to be enjoying itself to but Naruto viciously snatched the thing by the scruff of its neck and kicked it as hard as he could and evilly basked in its yelp of pain as it flew into the forest.

He scowled and turned back to Hinata only to find her passed out on the floor. He nudged her with his foot and came to the conclusion that she wouldn't wake anytime soon. He shrugged then decided to make his way to Ichiraku in order to erase the past fifteen minutes from his mind. He briefly wondered what Hinata wanted to tell him before dismissing the thought. It probably wasn't that important anyway.

_ (Later that night)_

There was something in his face. Something fluffy that made him want to sneeze. He vaguely realized that he didn't own anything fluffy so he blearily opened eyes then shot up and screamed. He threw the thing across the room and snatched up a kunai.

"Shut up!" came a muffled shout through his thin wall.

"Fuck you!" he shouted back before turning his attention back to the vermin that dazedly wobbled as it stood up. Those demonic little girl scouts would probably find that _beast_ cute. He most definitely recognized it now though.

It was the horny little fuck from the training grounds.

"How the hell did you get in here you fucktard!" He hissed. It was then that he noticed his window cracked opened and frantically tried to wonder how it came in through his window when his apartment was three stories up. He then came to realistic conclusion after little thought.

It was the devil.

He tensed when the _it_ stumbled its way toward him. The moonlight gave it an ominous look as it stared with its beady little eyes that caused Naruto to shudder.

He came to a speedy decision before he shot up grabbed the _it_ then hurtled it out of his window and waited until he heard the sound of shattering glass, a pained screech, and the scream of a random citizen. He grinned grimly then closed and locked his window latch. After he double-checked all the windows and doors in his apartment were locked he went back to bed.

Tomorrow he would put seals on every opening in the apartment. There was no way the little bastard would be getting in after that.

_(Two days later)_

Naruto didn't know why he spent time with Sai. They were currently sitting by the park watching people so Sai could study their mannerisms. The blonde glanced at the pale man and thought about how he never ceased to piss him off with his penis comments and how he stood uncomfortably close to him. He was insultingly blunt and even after spending years with him; Naruto couldn't understand why the dark haired man had so much trouble understanding the basic social norms.

Gaara understood more than Sai did and that most definitely said something.

That and there was also the fact that Sai kept on trying to make Naruto pose for him naked for his paintings.

Yeah.

_No._

"Come on its not like you have something to hide…unless you really are dickless." Sai said as if reading his mind all while smiling with that cheerily fake smile.

Naruto tried not to punch him in the face.

Sakura got on to him enough about attacking teammates, even though she was prone to punching him when he got on her nerves. Of course it was ok if she did it just not him. Hypocrite.

"Hey dickless, why is that fox staring at you while mating with the tree?"

Naruto froze.

He slowly turned around and sure enough the _it_ was there. Staring…right…at…him.

It was indeed humping a tree.

He trembled.

Then…then he ran as if the hounds of hell were after him. Anything to get away from that _evil_ _**thing**_.

Naruto was later found under Tsunade's desk and nobody could get him to tell them why he was hiding.

_(Two months later)_

Every. Day.

That monster showed up everywhere. Everywhere he turned he saw a flash of fur that gave him near heart attacks. His sleep was shot to hell, he twitched at the slightest of movements, and he was hearing yips at every turn. He even named _it_. It was now SCS, a.k.a. _Stupid Cock Sucker._

He finally got a mission out of Konoha to gather information in Kumogakure with three unknown Jounin and while it was a huge breath of fresh air to be away from that beast, his mood was shot to hell because of faulty information so now he and the three Jounin were cornered in a minefield and the only way of escape was if someone took one for the team by walking into the field and blowing up into itty bitty pieces.

The odds weren't looking too hot.

It was then that he heard a sound that should have been impossible. He slowly glanced down and guess what he saw?

That **demon**, the _it_ somehow followed him. Those familiar beady eyes stared at him like it was starving and Naruto was prime rib innocently sitting inches away from it.

The Kyuubi-vessel completely ignored the Jounin behind him that were staring at the fox in confusion. Probably because they didn't sense the sneaky little shit coming near them.

Naruto twitched.

He wanted that thing _gone._

Slowly, a diabolical plan bloomed in his mind. He started to cackle and the Jounin and the fox looked at him wearily.

"Gentlemen," Naruto said, grinning in malicious delight, "I do believe I know how to solve our problem."

When all he received was vacant stares, he rolled his eyes and malevolently looked down at the fox.

The _it,_ as if understanding what was going on, tried to escape but Naruto snatched it up.

Naruto thought it was a rather poetic way to go.

He took one last look at the beast that haunted him in his nightmares before smiling.

Then he _threw._

_(Back to the present)_

The men gave Naruto freaked out looks before glancing back to the (what must have been) immortal fox.

It yipped then pranced to Naruto before giving him an innocent and loving nip. Naruto saw its eyes though.

It looked as if it was ready to rape him.

It seemed that absence _does_ make the heart grow fonder.

He wanted to scream.

* * *

A/N: Well there it is. I hope you all enjoy. Please read and review and don't be afraid to tell me about any corrections I need to make.

**Sneak Peak**

**Chapter 3**

_He sighed in content as he looked across the sea of sand that was his home. The inky blackness of sky, the bright shining of the stars, the cool desert breeze, it was all that and more that he cherished. He then glanced back to the village that peaked over the dunes._

_He cared deeply for his village and they in turn cared for him. It amused him when he thought about how that came to be. He could have stayed that lonely and bloodthirsty boy of his youth if he hadn't of met Naruto. _

_He cracked a smile at the thought of his dearest friend. _

_Maybe it was time that he visited Konoha._

_Temari has been getting on his case lately about working too much anyway. _


End file.
